Honeymoon

Several years ago, on morning five of my first ten-day contemplative retreat, I awoke and sensed that some psychic toxin had been lifted out of me. Days of stillness and long drinks of silence had allowed unseen poisons to rise to the soul-surface and exit my bodymind. This left me feeling exquisitely light and quietly joyful.

Later that afternoon I was sitting alone in my little room, facing the open window and watching trees shimmer in the sunlight. Over the course of perhaps five minutes, I felt and observed my "self" as I subtly shifted into a different state of consciousness. It was as if a psychoactive perfume, a wafting ether, had drifted into the room and entered my nervous system. It also seemed like an invisible radiance had descended into me from above and from all around me, entering me and then "pouring" through me out into my surroundings. Everything became suffused with this incredible radiance - the trees, the grasses, the very air itself "invisibly" glowed! It sent me into bliss, and made me feel so incredibly tender and loving toward everything I saw and everyone I thought of. There was also a sense of unusual alertness and clarity.

I remained in this "illuminated" state for the rest of the day, and for a few days after that -- even as the radiance ebbed -- this state seemed to keep hitting me and tossing me around. I was a buoy afloat in a wildly delicious current. Feelings flowed freely. The slightest movement of a bird could send me into inexplicable laughter. Walking outside one day, I accidentally stepped on a snail and felt a rush of sadness over ending its tiny life. (Ordinarily, I would not feel this degree of regret over snails -- bless the little slimey buggers.) Everything and everyone was so luminously, rapturously, loveable ...

For several days, even after I had returned to my "normal" life, I felt like my soul had been washed clean and set out in the sun to dry. It was marvelous - this transparency, this deep inner calm, this immense gratitude. I also seemed to be free of "agenda," which actually led to some humorous situations while driving in southern California ...

This was a part of my "honeymoon" period spiritually. I thought it would go on forever, that this holy bliss would continue to grace me as long as I continued practicing contemplative prayer. Alas, it didn't last! It never does ...

--from my August 2007 journal